Quotations
Funny
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- George Carlin
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
- Jarod Kintz
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- George Carlin
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
- Winston S. Churchill
My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.
- Alexandre Dumas
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
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