Quotations
Funny

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce

There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- George Carlin

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
- Yogi Berra

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
- Albert Einstein

I am not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me
- Jarod Kintz

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
- Mark Twain

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