Be good and you will be lonesome.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.