I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-Mark Twain
I always feel that I have two duties to perform with a parting guest: one, to see that he doesn't forget anything that is his; the other, to see that he doesn't take anything that is mine.
-Alfred North Whitehead
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
-Nikola Tesla
This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
-Winston S. Churchill
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-Benjamin Franklin
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
-Mark Twain
