I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-Mark Twain
Quotations
Funny
The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
-Voltaire
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
-Mark Twain
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
-Ambrose Bierce
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
-George Eliot
"Adam Bede"
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
-George Carlin
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston S. Churchill
