I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-George Carlin
Quotations
Funny
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-Mark Twain
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
-Benjamin Franklin
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde
My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, its seems, begins where yours left off.
-Alexandre Dumas
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
-Winston S. Churchill
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
-Mark Twain
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
-Mark Twain
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston S. Churchill
